The Three Musketeers (2011)

PG-13;  running time – 1 hour 50 minutes

Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich and Orlando Bloom

This movie can’t really be compared to any of the other Three Musketeers movies, and there have been many of them in various forms. For one thing, it seems that the writers and director couldn’t make up their minds if this was going to be an action movie or a comedy. I know that action movies are capable of producing some pretty good laughs at times. However, the lines and/or scenes that were (at least I hope they were) intended to be funny were all by the same character Planchet. But he was so over the top with his character that I had to make sure the script wasn’t written by Mel Brooks. I think the movie would have been better without the character even being included.

There were some liberties taken with Dumas’ story, including the flying ships. I mean these things were huge flying ships, like sailing ships but with big ass hot air balloons attached to them. I normally don’t worry about things like believability in a movie, but these “air ships” were so completely unbelievable that they were to the point of being laughable.

The sword fighting scenes were pretty good and the story line was entertaining, which is the most important thing I look for in a movie. Overall, I would say that if you have the opportunity to watch this movie for free, go for it. It’s not a bad way to spend a couple of hours, but I wouldn’t spend money on it.

If you really want to see a good Three Musketeers movie go find a copy of the movie from 1993 starring Kiefer Sutherland, Charlie Sheen and Oliver Platt, or even better the 1973 version starring Raquel Welch, Richard Chamberlain and Michael York.

The Hunger Games

PG-13, 2:22 run time

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Woody Harrelson, Lenny Kravitz, Stanley Tucci and Donald Sutherland.

This is about a bunch of people that win the lottery and take a cooking class, just kidding. The movie is based on the first novel of a trilogy by Suzanne Collins. As usual the book was better than the movie. With that said though, the movie was pretty good. I don't think it will disappoint either fans of the book or general movie-goers. However, as my wife Noelle pointed out, it was easy to spot the people that have not read the books because they laughed out loud at certain parts that were not funny in the story but appeared as moments of levity to the crowds at the games.

For those of you unfamiliar with the story, it is set in the future 74 years after a major war in a country called Panem. Panem is made up The Capitol and 12 districts that each have some type of industrial specialty. The rich, and you assume victors of the previously mentioned war, live in the Capitol. They demand a "tribute" from each of the poorer twelve districts every year consisting of one boy and one girl between the ages of 12 and 18. These tributes are chosen at random in a lottery, and are taken to The Capitol where they must fight each other to the death until there is only one left. Our heroine 16 year old Katniss Everdeen is one of the tributes, but of course you probably already know this unless you've been living under a rock.

The movie did a fairly good job of sticking to the story line from the book. For fans of the novels, yes there are details that have been left out of the movie. But what did you expect? I don't know about you but my ass starts falling asleep around the 2 hour mark and the movie would have been 4 hours if they had tried to fit in everything. I think the screenwriters did a good job of including all of the major scenes without really changing too much. This might be the result of Ms. Collins being a co-writer. My only major disappointment is I will probably have to wait two or more years to watch the second and third installments. If I am the producers though, I would probably try to hurry up if I want to keep character continuity. You'll understand what I'm talking about when you see Donald Sutherland, the cat looks so old I'm not sure he'll still be around in another four years.

The Perfect Weapon

Rated R; Running time = 85

Yes I know this movie was originally made in 1991, but it was just released on Blu-ray a few weeks ago (this movie was so anticipated on blu-ray that the day it was released it immediately sold-out and was already back-ordered for 2 to 3 weeks) so of course it had to be added to the collection. Someday I have to write a blog or two about my dvd/blu-ray collection. But back to the movie.

The movie showcases Jeff Speakman, in his first starring role. Speakman is not much of an actor, but the dude can totally kick some ass when necessary. This movie ranks pretty consistently in most lists of top martial arts movies. It's usually in the top 5, it's in my top 2. The only one that beats it is Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon.

Approximately 24 minutes into this movie is probably the best choreographed scene ever in a martial arts movie. It involves 4 would-be toughs trying to mug Speakman's character (who also is named Jeff, go figure they had to use his own name for his character, probably beat the hell out of calling him "hey you") and Jeff dispatches them so fast it leaves you wondering what happened. Did you miss something? Was it poor editing? Nope. It was just incredible choreography combined with a martial artist that is phenomenal. I must have watched this scene in slow motion at least 20 times and it is so awesome. He drops each one of the muggers in less than 5 or 6 seconds. I know this is a movie but holy roundhouse kick Batman! He knocks the last dude out before the first cat even hits the ground. Yes, it's staged but he still had to move that fast and it's not camera work. Jeff Speakman is a 6th degree black belt in Kenpo. Wow, this whole paragraph has been about one 5 second scene.

The movie also stars some other people, but who really cares? You can divide the other characters into 2 categories, those who got their butt handed to them by Speakman and those that didn't. Watch this movie and then watch it again. If you can do slo-mo on The scene, do it, it's so awesome. I may put it in and watch it again as soon as I finish typing this. If you like a good martial arts/action movie, then I know you'll like this one. If you don't like this type of movie, I'm sorry you're boring...just kidding.

21 Jump Street

Rated R

Running time: 1 hr 50 mins

Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum and an over-the-top performance by Ice Cube

The movie also stars Dave Franco, yes he is James Franco’s little brother and the familial resemblance is uncanny. This movie was an absolute riot, one of the funniest movies I’ve seen in awhile. And it was definitely the funniest movie so far this year; of course this is made easier since we’re only 2 ½ months into the year. There are a lot of lines and scenes in this movie intended as inside jokes for those of us who were fans of the TV series. However, the movie is funny even if you’ve never seen an episode of 21 Jump Street, at least I think it is. I guess I can’t just make a blanket statement like that since I’ve seen every episode of the TV show and own most of them on DVD.

The script, which was co-written by Jonah Hill, makes fun of itself and takes nothing very serious; which I believe is what will make this movie successful. I’m afraid that most people won’t give this movie a chance, thinking to themselves “here goes another Hollywood remake of a TV show, why can’t writers come up with something new?” Let me say that the exact sentiment is addressed a few minutes into the movie by Deputy Chief Hardy. And that is just one of the funny moments in this movie. The entire audience started laughing when the movie started and most were still chuckling as they were leaving the theater. This a no-brain kind of comedy, leave your thinking cap at the door and just enjoy yourself.

Johnny Depp, Peter DeLuise and Holly Robinson all make cameo appearances as their original characters from the show. I’m not going to explain how or in what circumstances because it would give away too much of the movie. Channing Tatum actually surprised me by his comic timing in the movie. I thought he was going to play the “straight” man to Jonah Hill. That is not the case and he did a heck of a job with his character.

Go see this movie, if you’re not laughing out loud on a regular basis by the time it’s 30 minutes in, go ask for your money back because you won’t like the rest of it either.

This Means War

PG-13, running time: 1 hr 37 mins.

Starring: Chris Pine, Tom Hardy and Reese Witherspoon

You know sometimes you see a trailer on TV for a movie, especially a comedy, and you figure they’ve shown all of the funny scenes so there won’t be anything left to laugh at during the movie. We’ve all experienced this situation, where the commercial ends up being funnier than the movie. I am happy to report this is not the case in “This Means War”. This movie is supposed to be about 2 secret agents that fall for the same girl and then fight over her. Actually one of them falls for her and the other falls for her after just trying to prove he can win her away from his buddy.

 There are times that I thought the two dudes were more in love with each other than they were with the girl. Another thing, who in the hell would fight over Reese Witherspoon? I mean she’s okay, but really? There’s no one better to fight over? This movie looked to be a snore fest (for at least the first ten minutes), that is until the guys started spying and sabotaging each others dates. That’s when things really took off and the laughter doesn't stop until the movie is over.

One thing about this movie that made me wish I had picked a different one was the gaggle of teenage girls (probably around 13 to 14 years olds) sitting about 2 rows behind me. They took up the entire row, must have been 15 or 20 of them. Every time Reese kissed one the guys, these girls would all giggle and clap their hands, some of them screeching as if Hannah Montana and Edward (the suckiest, no pun intended, vampire ever) were hooking up. It reminded me of my oldest daughter, who was so fond of saying, “I love, love.” Half of the row was cheering for Chris Pine to win the girl and the other half wanted Tom Hardy to be the victor. I’m not going to say who won, but I think in the end all of the girls went home happy.

It won’t give anything away to say that the girl obviously figures out the dudes know each other and are battling over her. For some reason, though, this pisses her off. She’s not mad about how they found out all of the things about her or that neither fellow is even who he pretends to be, she’s just mad that they know each other. Go figure. Does this movie entertain you and make you laugh out loud? You bet it does. Stupid story line not withstanding, this flick is worth the price of admission. Go see it, I guarantee you will leave with a smile on your face. Oh yeah, Chelsea Handler has some of the best lines in the movie.

March 14, 2012

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for the following important announcement. 

FLASH**this is just in** David and Noelle Smith are celebrating their 25^th Wedding Anniversary today. The couple will be heading to Ft. Worth to see Young Frankenstein: The Musical at Bass Hall; they do plan on eating at a yet undisclosed local establishment either before or after the show.

This reporter asked Noelle what she thought about spending the last 25 years being married to a man some might describe as a redneck, to which she replied, “He’s a work in progress and coming along slowly but he definitely shows signs of improvement.” When David was asked the same question (minus the redneck part of course) his eyes kind of glazed over, he broke into a huge smile and then mumbled something so incoherently this reporter was left wondering how much progress he’s actually made.

My reporter instincts kicked in here and I thought to myself, “Self, there could be a story here. Why don’t we investigate?”  And self agreed. After much digging, poking, and prodding (that sounds more like a visit to the doctor’s office doesn’t it?) Oops, my notes got mixed up. Okay, back on track after investigating (right notes this time) here is the story I came up with, the following story may not be suitable for all viewers:

March 14, 1987 was a day like any other day, or was it? David somehow (I’m still a little befuddled exactly how) convinced Noelle to join him in Holy Matrimony. So this was actually a day when two people were able to join together and profess their love to the world in a ceremony witnessed by family and friends. David even felt it was such a special occasion; he wore socks with his white tuxedo. Of course in true redneck fashion, they were tube socks and you could see the red stripes on them through his pants. Fortunately someone took pity on the poor simple fool and told him to roll them down before Noelle walked down the aisle and smacked him up aside his head with the bouquet. 

Fast forward a few months down the road and we find the couple living in Edom, TX with Noelle cutting hair for a living and David having no prospects in mind whatsoever. Whose stupid idea was this? Oh yeah, David’s. This is where the couple was living when they discovered there was going to be an addition to their little family. The name choosing process had begun and after throwing out names such as Elvis and Tyrel (naturally those were David’s choices) the only name that mattered was for a girl. 

So we find the intrepid couple living in Arlington, TX on March 8, 1988 when they were blessed with Amanda Elisabeth. And oh what a joyous day it was, except when David brought baby Amanda out to introduce her to the family (there were quite a few since she was the first grandchild) no one was to be found except for James Gravitt, the young man’s step-father, it seems everyone else had gone to eat lunch.

Like any other young married couple over the next few years there were many struggles both financially and emotionally. They were blessed twice more with children, on January 28, 1990 little Miranda Kathleen came into this world. Once again the child was a girl and saved from names that would make a normal parent cringe (once again, they were David’s choices). This time, the couple were sitting around their apartment living room discussing names when Noelle jokingly said Miranda rhymes with Amanda and David said Miranda Kathleen, they both looked at each and voiced their thought that it had the perfect ring to it (this portion of the story was told to me by David, so who knows if it is right). Miranda was born on Super Bowl Sunday or what some refer to as the day Joe Montana embarrassed the Denver Broncos (rumor has it she planned this on purpose while in the womb just to assert her willpower). And not too long later, on September 7, 1991 Blake Wayne came into this world at precisely the right time thanks to Noelle’s grandmother Cleone Swanner. Blake was a scheduled c-section (something about his ears being too big, at least according to his dad), the doctors were going to push back Noelle’s surgery and her grandmother swooped in like a super hero and set the record straight (she was a retired nurse from the hospital in question and was well known), Blake Wayne was born a little later. Blake was named after David’s grandpa Blake Cummons and became the 3^rd generation Smith with Wayne as a middle name (must be one of those redneck things, at least it wasn’t Elvis or Tyrel).

The next several years found the couple going through some ups and downs, as young couples sometimes do. I feel after interviewing them, they both feel as though this period strengthened their relationship and their resolve in each other. The Smiths relocated to Grapevine, TX in 1997 and have been there ever since. The kids are all grown up now and moved away to have their own lives. But David and Noelle have had their little family expanded with the addition of a great son-in-law, Chris Woods, and two beautiful granddaughters, Kendall Renee Dawson and Audrey Katelyn Woods.

David and Noelle both have hobbies they like. Noelle likes to quilt, paint and various other artistic endeavors.  David likes to make pens and generally anything made out of wood. He recently made his second cradle, one for each granddaughter. David states that the first thing he wants to do when he finishes any project is find Noelle and show it to her (like a dog with his bone), to get her opinion, since to him her opinion matters most. David can’t stand for a single day to pass by without talking to his lovely bride at least once, whether by phone or in person. Otherwise, he says, it leaves a huge hole in his day that cannot be filled any other way. Twenty-five years of marriage is no small feat in this day and age. It is a testament of two people who truly care for and believe in each other. It is about two people that love sharing time together. They want to be the last face each sees at night when going to sleep and the first face each sees in the morning when they wake.

I’m not sure what I expected to find when I began investigating this story, but what I discovered is two people still in love with each other as much today as they were 25 years ago on March 14, 1987.

A special word from our sponsor:

Happy Anniversary Noelle, I love you and can’t wait to see what the next twenty-five years brings.

You may now resume your regularly scheduled programming.

John Carter

 Rated PG-13;  Starring: Taylor Kitsch (Remy Lebeau/Gambit in X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and Lynn Collins (Silverfox in X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

First let me say I am starting to get hooked on IMAX 3D, which sucks because they are so expensive to go see. Second I promise to not have spoilers in this review, since most probably haven’t seen it yet.

I have read most of the Barsoom (which is what the inhabitants of Mars call their planet) sci-fi/adventure novels written by Edgar Rice Burroughs. This movie is in part based on the novel “A Princess of Mars” written by ERB around 1917. The characters are pretty much the same as they were in the novel (even Burroughs makes an appearance just like in the original story), the storyline was changed a little. They could make a sequel out of the second half of the book. I think there were 10 or 11 novels in total. But now I’m starting to ramble about the book which isn’t what this is supposed to be about.

The main thing I want to accomplish with these reviews is get someone who isn’t sure if they want to see something, the information necessary to make that decision. Of course I have to do that without giving away too much of the movie. With that said, if you’re on the fence about this movie get the hell off of it before a Thark warrior uses one of his four arms to rip one of your off. John Carter is a Civil War veteran who for certain reasons ends up in a cave out west and is transported to Barsoom. There he is thrust into a Civil War on that planet. There aren’t any surprises in the plot, but it is a very entertaining couple of hours.

The CGI (especially the Tharks) is awesome, the 3D is awesome but you come to expect these things from Disney. I thought the movie rolled along at a good pace, except for a couple of slow scenes. The movie has a listed run time of 2 hours and 12 minutes, but it feels more like maybe 1 ½ hours. When it ended, I was actually a little disappointed. Not in the movie but in the fact that it was over. I feel like I could have easily sat there for another hour , if they could have kept the same pace up. There are two things I am now waiting on: the Blu-Ray release so I see deleted/extended scenes and the sequel that is bound to come out in couple of years. This was probably the best 3D movie I have seen since Avatar.

One last thing, it completely blows my mind that everything in this movie is based on a novel written almost 100 years ago. If you have the time read “A Princess of Mars” by Edgar Rice Burroughs, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

Paranormal Activity Series

Paranormal Activity 1, 2 and 3

I really enjoy a good spooky supernatural thriller. Not so much slasher flicks. You know, the way I look at it is, if I wanted to see a slasher flick I would just watch the news. So when a good movie comes along that looks like it will scare the hell out of someone and it involves the supernatural, sign me up. So many of these movies are disappointing, if it doesn’t make your heart rate go up a little, make you suck in your breath or want to watch through your fingers then it’s a waste of money. That’s what I like about the Paranormal franchise. They scare you without buckets of blood spraying all over the screen. Most people who want to see these films probably already have, so I’m not going to worry too much about spoilers.

Paranormal Activity (the original) – This movie was really good. You were relaxed, watching a movie and thinking when was something going to happen? This movie isn’t scary, you might even say it’s boring. And then, the ominous hum starts, and all of a sudden, BAM! The next thought (and I’ll paraphrase here for our more sensitive readers) is holy guacamole, did that just happen? The happenings build into a crescendo, each one seeming to escalate for the big finale. Let me say this though, that dumbass Micah got what he deserved. That may seem harsh, but what kind of idiot watches a video of a Ouija board moving by itself when no one is home and then bursting into flames with the only being said is “cool”? I would be running out of the house like my hair was on fire, there would be nothing left of me except a vapor trail. When I was a safe distance away, I would call my girlfriend and say dang girl, you better call an exorcist, because you’re haunted. I guess the movie would have been too short that way. Good special effects and fun to watch.

Paranormal Activity 2 – How could they make a sequel? Everyone is dead or possessed from the first movie. Oh, it’s a prequel. I went into this movie, thinking it was going to suck. I know, your question is then why would I pay money to go see it. As I pointed out in my profile, I even like movies that suck. Okay, back to the movie. Wow! This one was even better than the original. Same ominous hum right before something was going to happen, so the audience knew when to start tensing up. This is an ingenious way of increasing the “jump factor” when something happens on screen. At least this go-round, the characters seem to be freaked out by the things happening around the house. Even if they are too stupid get out when the things that go bump in the night start bumping the crap out of everything. When the feces hits the rotary oscillator, the man of the house doesn’t say “cool”, he says s#*t, let’s make a plan to get rid of this thing. It appears to have worked but then the prequel portion of this movie ends and the sequel takes over for the last couple of minutes. I was really impressed with the writers on this film. The way they tied the previous movie into the “prequel”, I always look for things that don’t match up and I don’t think there were any inconsistencies between the two movies. Of the two movies, I actually liked the second one better. The special effects were better and I even felt the story line was better.

Paranormal Activity 3 – Okay the prequel thing might be getting out of hand. This time they are going back to when the sisters were little girls. I didn’t really care for this movie. The special effects were first rate as you would expect from this franchise. Even though, the writers are having to get more creative with the “happenings” (because, let’s face it, there’s only so many ways you can imaginatively have things move by themselves. The story raised more questions than it answered. At least for me. One thing though, for those parents that have little kids with imaginary friends, if you haven’t seen this movie…don’t. It might just scare the bejeezus out of you. This movie was supposed to explain why they were being haunted and for awhile it looked like it was going to. Then the ending took a huge twist which served to leave it open for a sequel instead of answering questions. Now would that be a prequel-sequel or a sequel-prequel? To me the ending was a cop-out. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to wait for Halloween, which rumor has it, the 4^th installment will be released.

Underworld: Awakening

Kate Beckinsale. Black leather. 50 feet tall. IMAX 3D. Nuff said.

Seriously, there was an actual movie in there. You can watch this movie never having seen the previous three. Of course the third shouldn't even exist, since it was basically a re-telling of the origin mentioned in the first movie. Can sequels be confusing to keep up with or what?

In this installment, we find Selene waking up in a future where humans appear to actually be in control of things. Things being vampires and werewolves (or lycans if you'd prefer). Suffice it to say that appearances aren't always correct. Saying anything else would give too much away for those that haven't seen this movie yet.

I found this movie to be thoroughly entertaining, helped of course by Ms. Beckinsale. This movie will in all likelihood have a sequel, and I'll be in line for that one too. I know I would rather watch Selene than Edward any day of the week.